SINGLE, SEXY, STRAIGHT WOMEN & MEN

I seldom read many informative pieces in the SUNDAY INDEPENDENT: Eoghan Harris having prostate problems, anger over Brian Lenihan's handling of the economy, Carol Hunt's battles with her mental health. These troubles, along with pictures of the occasional beautiful models (Roberta Rowatt is my personal favorite), seem to be the totality of importance that the paper publishes each Sunday. It, in the main, is responsible for a huge waste of paper and is full of gossip and innuendo aimed, I believe, at a dwindling amount of intelligent readers. Granted it isn't as stuffy as the IRISH TIMES but it has become a bastion of triviality and boob jobs, as well as other celebrity stories, seem to fill its pages.

However, in my opinion, it does tackle human relationships to a more than adequate extent and that's what makes me read the rag. I opened it one Sunday, last year, to see a wonderful article dealing with relationships between single men and single women and it was compelling to read. Apparently one of the ideas was that if a lady wanted to know if a man liked her, a good indication was to spill a cup of coffee (on purpose!) onto his Dolce & Gabana, freshly pressed trousers. What would be his reaction? I think it related to temperament rather than sexual attraction but nonetheless it was an interesting idea. Unsurprisingly my trousers have never been sprayed (purposely or accidentally) with the caffeine containing beverage by a woman who was in anyway interested in me. However I have often wondered how I would react should it happen to me.

Around the same time I was attending night classes in 'Life Coaching' and I brought up the subject of that piece of journalism carried in the 'Sindo'and it provoked a 30 minute discussion amongst my colleagues (who were all single and female incidentally). Even if the articles in that Sunday newspaper are mainly tabloidesque, people who are single will be drawn towards these pages and, if it helps to pamper AENGUS FANNING's (Editor)lifestyle for that reason alone, it should be praised.

Maybe the Independent stable of newspapers gives relationships a special degree of attention because last Saturday's IRISH INDEPENDENT had a piece by AISLING O'LOUGHLIN (a broadcaster) who was, in my opinion, whinging about being single at 29 (I'm on the cusp of my 36th birthday!). In her article she goes on about how unfortunate she is (!!!). What a load of tosh, I thought, as someone employed by a television channel she should have no financial concerns and she seems to be reasonably healthy. Nor is she faced by drug dealing, gun toting gangsters from Moyross or Drimnagh (I think Limerick readers should note my balanced description here)on a daily basis like some, less fortunate. Indeed it's hard to fathom what seems to be the problem. Then I thought again. I'm male. Ah, its the usual chestnut: kids. Men simply don't have the same insight into the female mechanism.

AISHLING, I must apologise, single men don't have the gallon-load of emotions to deal with that women grapple with. On the other hand it's not exactly a bowl of cherries for a man to be single either (even if masturbation does provide a crumb of comfort). But, I wondered, how do men attract women? After a lot of thought over the years I have come to the conclusion that it is the P word, yes folks its PASSION. Years and years of rejection in Nightclubs and Pubs have hardened my feelings and have led me to believe that it is shared passion that brings people together. No amount of early Sunday mornings in clubs or at gigs will gain you a partner. Furthermore the primary reason for the existence of Nightclubs is so more alcohol can be bought and sold - NO OTHER REASON. "I'm just finishing my drink" was the response I got off a lady who I asked to dance at a club one night. Anyone, male or female, who thinks they are going to score in such surroundings needs their head examined. Romance will NEVER blossom while TAKE THAT or BOYZONE are blasting out of the PA and it is just not a place in which you will find a partner. Only for the drink, sad but true. PASSION.

The same can be said for Internet dating. As soon as you sign up and you start thinking about Wedding plans the website will invariably state: "In order to receive a reply from people you will Have to become a silver member or a gold member". What does that mean? MONEY of course. I know,I've tried.It is a cynical way to give people false hope in this way. Any solutions then? Can any progress be made? Will I always be single? Am I ever going to meet the woman of my dreams? Well hold on to your credit card and don't reach for the Kleenex (just yet!)Uncle IANO may have some way of cutting through the thicket of eligible singletons. There may be a way forward. Just possibly. Instead of whinging and perpetuating the problem. Do something about it. PASSION.

As I have already said, earlier, Passion is the key: BRIAN COWEN, JOHN PRESCOTT, JACKIE HEALY RAE,TIMOTHY SPALL have all had (or still have)spouses. Now I would reckon that, even when they were young, girls would not have regarded these fine gentlemen as exactly pin-up material like ROBBIE WILLIAMS, JUDE LAW, TOM CRUISE or BRAD PITT. The point I'm making here, for singles, is that having a passion or interest in something, will, eventually (unless death intervenes of course)yield results. Fat, balding, ugly men all over the world have always been able to get hitched and so it is , passion, I'm convinced, that attracts the birds. Hill walking, debating, sports, acting/drama, gardening are just some pursuits where you can meet and, hopefully share passions with the opposite sex. No one should keep their strengths/talents hidden like gold in a bank vault. PASSION.

In my own case I'm getting towards my late 30's and am, to be quite frank, unhappy as a single male. However I am optimistic in my outlook and I have never been more passionate about life. Over the last 18 months,I have joined Amnesty International and, even though I have not met anyone yet, I am committed to Human Rights. To paraphrase the IRA when it stated, following the Brighton bombing in 1983, I only need to be lucky once out of a thousand times. It is hit and miss but I believe and hope that some time soon I'll have a smash hit in my grasp. PASSION.