Ian Calloni 1972-2009

The famous movie star, Ian Calloni, has died at the age of 36. Mr Calloni’s agent confirmed the star had been battling Sexual Tension for the last 20 years. It is understood that the actor had been having moments of intense anxiety when in the presence of beautiful women in local libraries, newsagents and wherever he went. Fellow stars, Ton Crews and David Breakhands are said to be in deep shock at the news and many women across Ireland are now relieved that the Italian/Irish star will now be at the end of his tension.

Calloni, the star of many romantic comedies, is understood to have no children from no marriages and this, it is believed, was the reason for his tension. Doctors treating the Lothario say that if not treated in time ST can lead to severe symptoms developing. “No-one should suffer from this form of ST. Only with the steamiest sex sessions can the condition be managed. ” Dr S. Ex, a Japanese expert on ST, told reporters.

In a bid to cure himself of ST, Mr Calloni made several trips to Thailand but the disease had spread all over his mind and body and local sex therapists say there was nothing that could have been done. Chung Tai, a sex expert in the famous Asian nation, has written several books on ST and says that “the most severe strains in some men can lead to death and this is what happened to Mr Calloni”.

Mr Calloni’s funeral will be in Dublin following a removal. “I would love to have shagged that man” Roxy Jordan, a local socialite told the congregation, “Maybe some more action would have cured him, it’s so sad”. “It’s a shame, he was a ride”, added top Irish model, Pussy Phelan. Mr Calloni’s family have asked that only the sexiest women in Ireland should bury the body and that only red roses be tossed into the grave. A special erection is planned for next Valentines Day.

Human Rights campaigners have set up a charity, Campaign ST, to try and fund development into the condition. There will be fund raising sex sessions performed in numerous Sex clubs all over Ireland on Valentines Day coming (and hopefully there will be plenty of coming!). Dr Ex says the problem is not the end of the world: “ST should be taken seriously and not ignored. It is perfectly possible to live a normal life but with plenty of sex”. Dr Ex says approx 0 people suffer from ST annually in Ireland and Mr Calloni should think himself unlucky.

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