Book review: ‘What rhymes with bastard?’ By Linda Robertson (Harper Collins)

This book is hard to take seriously. The many shenanigans that run through every page are scarcely believable yet the reader wants to believe what’s been going on. Robertson, I guess, is in her 30s and has a husband, Jack, who not only hoovers up drugs at an industrious rate but is incredibly unfaithful. How any woman could tolerate his constant philandering is staggering and disgraceful.

I picked up this enjoyable, funny and, at times, sad book in my local library. I chose it mainly because of the eccentric title. To give it an air of authenticity there is an index included and we are told little (or nothing) about the author on the jacket of the book. One presumes ‘What rhymes with bastard?’ (WRWB?) relates Robertson’s life. If this is true then she has had a mightily interesting time of it. That is what thrills the reader.

After a number of unfulfilling jobs the couple find themselves on the US west coast, San Francisco. Jack treats Linda like they’re in an open relationship and we are informed of nearly every sexual encounter he gets involved in. The outrageous part is that she doesn’t seem that bothered. Knowing the little I do about Irish women, Jack would not only be dumped but castrated if he tried this spectacular sexual incontinence with a Grainne or an Eimear.

Apart from the sexual subservience, Robertson allows herself to experience; this book was a real pleasure. It becomes obvious that she has a skill at song writing and her songs are peppered throughout the manuscript. WRWB? was first published in 2008 and I’d say it is an accurate depiction of how lives are led in the post-millennium era.

Towards the end of the book Robertson is awarded ‘Miss Accordion San Francisco’. She has arrived as a musician and her life is moving in the right direction. However, as well as the positives, WRWB? also has its sad moments. Robertson introduces us to her parents and it transpires they don’t get along that well.

Constant back-biting between mother and father is a key feature. It becomes slowly more upsetting. Reading between the lines one wonders if mental health is a factor. Sadly this is confirmed and Linda’s pain is palpable when, in chapter 13, her mother dies after a time suffering from dementia.

In the final analysis this was a charming read. Definitely a page turner and I certainly hope that we haven’t seen the last book from Linda Robertson. In a world of constant depression she shines a light. Life is a lot less of a chore with stuff like this to consume – to be recommended.

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Quote of the week goes to Michael White of The Guardian. He describes Ken Clarke and Peter Mandelson so:

‘If Clarke is a dog, a lovable St Bernard with a brandy barrel round his neck, Mandelson is a cat, a Siamese with manicured claws.’

No wonder politics, and political journalism, is so exciting in the UK. White, a veteran political journalist, is one excellent reason for buying The Guardian. The FD urges viewers to keep an eye for this newspaper as the British general election nears. White’s articles are indispensible.